Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of April, 2014

There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so long...
There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!

There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing...
There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

There once was a man from Sandem Who was making his girl on...
There once was a man from Sandem Who was making his girl on a tandem. At the peak of the make She jammed on the brake And scattered his semen at random.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning...
Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"

DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! -- The Adventurer
DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! -- The Adventurer

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because...
I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards me. I picked them up and rolled...

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed...
If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"

If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with...
If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.

Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. --...
Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. -- Matt Groening

A frustrated lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for...
A frustrated lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits were in Dallas.