Humor: Best of Fortunes for Tuesday August 21, 2018

Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot,...
Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. -- My Shoe

Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's...
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!

The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep her in close...
The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. -- Morris Bishop

There once was a young man from France Who waited ten years...
There once was a young man from France Who waited ten years for his chance; Then he muffed it...

There was a young girl who begat Three babies named Nat,...
There was a young girl who begat Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. T'was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding When she found there's no tit for Tat.

There was a young lady named Cager Who, as the result of...
There was a young lady named Cager Who, as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The entire oboe part Of Mozart's quartet in F major.