Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of February, 2018

A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to tutor two tutors to toot ...
A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to tutor two tutors to toot Said the two to the tutor: "Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tutors to toot"

There was a young man of Devizes, Whose balls were of different...
There was a young man of Devizes, Whose balls were of different sizes. One was so small, It was nothing at all; The other took numerous prizes.

There was a young woman named Alice Who peed in a Catholic...
There was a young woman named Alice Who peed in a Catholic chalice. She said, "I do this From a great need to piss, And not from sectarian malice."

There was an old lady of Bingly Who wailed, "I do hate...
There was an old lady of Bingly Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. I thought I had got A bloke for my twat, But he seems rather queenly than kingly."

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.

YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF ...
YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really important...

Pittsburgh driver's test 8: Pedestrians are a)...
Pittsburgh driver's test 8: Pedestrians are a) irrelevant. b) communists. c) a nuisance. d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant...

Pittsburgh driver's test 9: Roads are salted in order to ...
Pittsburgh driver's test 9: Roads are salted in order to a) kill grass. b) melt snow. c) help the economy. d) prevent potholes. The correct answer is c. Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions...