Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of December, 2018

There once was a fellow named Brewster Who said to his wife,...
There once was a fellow named Brewster Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, "It used to be grand But look at my hand You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."

There once was a man from Madras, Whose balls were made out...
There once was a man from Madras, Whose balls were made out of brass. When they clanged together, They played "Stormy Weather", And lightning shot out of his ass.

There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing...
There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

There was a young sailor from Brighton, Who remarked to...
There was a young sailor from Brighton, Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." She replied, "'Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole; There's plenty of room in the right one."

There was an old hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in...
There was an old hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said "I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit, But look at the money I save."

You will be awarded some great honor.
You will be awarded some great honor.

When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon,...
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come and get you." -- Jerry Lewis

Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."

A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine...
A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The goddam thing broke And beat both his balls to a creame.

A cocksucking steno named Beeman Remarked as she swallowed...
A cocksucking steno named Beeman Remarked as she swallowed my semen : "On my minuscule salary I must watch every calorie, So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"