Humor: Best of Fortunes for Tuesday May 12, 2015

There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so long...
There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!

There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing...
There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled lots of gin...
There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney So just to be couth He added vermouth And slipped his best girl a martini.

There once was a young man named Clyde Who fell in an outhouse,...
There once was a young man named Clyde Who fell in an outhouse, and died. He had a twin brother Who fell in another And now they're interred side by side.

There was a young lady of Natchez Who chanced to be born with...
There was a young lady of Natchez Who chanced to be born with two snatches, And she often said, "Shit! Why, I'd give either tit For a man with equipment that matches." There was a young fellow named Locke Who was born with...

There was an old man from Bengal Who liked to do tricks in...
There was an old man from Bengal Who liked to do tricks in the hall. His favorite trick Was to stand on his dick While he rolled around on one ball.

There was an old man from Duluth Whose cock was shot off in...
There was an old man from Duluth Whose cock was shot off in his youth. He fucked with his nose Or his fingers and toes And he came thru a hole in his tooth.

There was an old man of Alsace Who played the trombone with...
There was an old man of Alsace Who played the trombone with his ass. He put in a trap To take out the crap, But the vapors corroded the brass.

Any line, however short, is still too long.
Any line, however short, is still too long.

Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.
Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered...
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analyses!

When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult...
When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp.

Ladles and Jellyspoons! I come before you to stand behind...
Ladles and Jellyspoons! I come before you to stand behind you, To tell you something I know nothing about. Since next Thursday will be Good Friday, There will be a fathers' meeting, for mothers only. Wear your best clothes, if you don't have any,...