Freebsd Fortunes 5

Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
                -- James Thurber

Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
                -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
                -- Alfred North Whitehead

Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out.  They screamed down the
mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
rocks.  They all got out of the car:
        The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
        The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
into town and have a specialist look at it."
        The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
in and see if it does it again."

Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
counter and rings the bell.  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
you?".
        The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
        "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
you like me to put it on your bill?"
        Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"

Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise.  The fields are grown over with weeds,
the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
dreams!"
        A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
are filled with crops planted in neat rows.  "Amazing!" the preacher says.
"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
        "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
like when God was working it alone!"

Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
register.
        "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
        "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
        "GRIZZLIES?!?!"
        "A few."
        "Got any bear bells?"
        "What's that?"
        "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
bears know yer there so's they can run away ...  I'll take one fer black
bears, and one fer them grizzlies.  Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
country, anyhow?"
        "Look fer scatt.  Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
        "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
        "Bear bells."

Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"

In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"

Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
that the only thing for his headaches was castration.  After a few more
months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
        The guy is amazed.  "How'd you know?"
        "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
a quarter inch on every piece of clothing."  The salesman's claim is borne
out.  Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long.  And so on and so forth.
When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
some new underwear.
        The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
        "No, that's wrong," says the man.  "I've always worn a 32."  The
salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far.  The man argues, agreeing
that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
        Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
you *have* to wear a 34.  Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."

Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
Joy.  But she sidestepped, and they missed.