Freebsd Fortunes 4

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
                -- Stephen Wright

I understand why you're confused.  You're thinking too much.
                -- Carole Wallach.

I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
                -- Woodrow Wilson

I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
                -- Nam June Paik

I used to be a rebel in my youth.
This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL!  But I learned.
Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by
a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better
I feel these days.
                -- J. Feiffer

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
                -- Elvis Costello

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
                -- Mae West

I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
        No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
        No more, Mr. Clean,
        No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
They say "He's sick, he's obscene".

My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
And punched me in the nose, he said,
(chorus)
He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
                -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.

I used to have a drinking problem.
Now I love the stuff.