Freebsd Fortunes 4

Here I sit, broken-hearted,
All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that,
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.

The boss comes by, and I play the game,
Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there a cure (I need your views),
For someone trapped in net.news?

I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.

Here in my heart, I am Helen;
        I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
        I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;
        Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
        With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.

I'm all of the glamorous ladies
        At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
        So I stay at home with a book.
                -- Dorothy Parker

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
        It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
                -- Dave Barry

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
if you're alive, it isn't.

Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.  According
to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
marketing anxiety in China.

The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".

Bite the wax tadpole.  There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?

The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
a whole column out of it.  I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare.  Not bad, but broad
satiric vistas do not open up.
                -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle

HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
NO LES
NO MOORE
                -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ

Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
Now she's at rest, and so am I.
                -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife

Here there by tygers.

HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake.  Straddle a big crack in
the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
around as if you're going to fall.
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
                -- Jay Leno