Freebsd Fortunes 4

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
I said I didn't know.
                -- Mark Twain

I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like
that all the time..."
                -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"

I was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in
the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
                -- Phyllis Diller

I was in accord with the system so long as it
permitted me to function effectively.
                -- Albert Speer

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
                -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"

I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
                -- Steven Wright

I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is
anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody.  He really
gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He
works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me
two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I
was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But
I wouldn't consider it.  "I'm a thief," I said.  "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
                -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards.  I got a
full house and four people died.
                -- Steven Wright

I was the best I ever had.
                -- Woody Allen

I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
                -- Billy Braver