Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of December, 2020

Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art...
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists...
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool...

A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of...
A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is that you only have six weeks to live." "Oh, no," says...

Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.

He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant...
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.

Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.

We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry...
We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until...

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes...
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. -- Dylan Thomas

A CS student named Lin Had a prick the size of a pin...
A CS student named Lin Had a prick the size of a pin It was no good for girls But just great for squirrels Who squealed with delight with it in.

A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura...
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura of menace. To make people afraid He wore gloves of grey suede And white footgear intended for tennis. -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"