Freebsd Fortunes 5

Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window.  (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)

Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.

Never eat anything bigger than your head.

Never eat at a place called Mom's.  Never play cards with a man named Doc.
And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
                -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"

Never eat more than you can lift.
                -- Miss Piggy

Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.

Never explain.  Your friends do not need it
and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
                -- Elbert Hubbard

Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
                -- Marlo Thomas

Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.

Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.