Humor: Best of Fortunes for Wednesday September 19, 2018

Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence (1) Never use...
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. (3) If you're on fire,...

Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You...
Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so you set off across the fields,...

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars...
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul Getty

There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing...
There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to...
There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There was a young lady of Gloucester, Met a passionate fellow...
There was a young lady of Gloucester, Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. She wasn't much hurt, But he dirtied her skirt, So think of the anguish it cost her.