Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of January, 2023

... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a...
... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS ...

There once was a lifeguard named Lee Who rescued a girl from...
There once was a lifeguard named Lee Who rescued a girl from the sea She asked how to pay, And he said "Try this way, Go down for the third time on me."

There once was a man from Madras, Whose balls were made out...
There once was a man from Madras, Whose balls were made out of brass. When they clanged together, They played "Stormy Weather", And lightning shot out of his ass.

There once was a woman from Arden Who sucked off a man in...
There once was a woman from Arden Who sucked off a man in a garden. He said, "My dear Flo, Where does all that stuff go?" And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"

There was a young lady of Kent, Who admitted she knew what...
There was a young lady of Kent, Who admitted she knew what it meant When men asked her to dine, And plied her with wine, She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive...
DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged.

Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: A field of abnormally...
Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. Mr. Wemm was residing...

Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.

FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION:...
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: \#2 What to do... if you get a phone call from Mars: Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine...