Freebsd Fortunes 6

Swipple's Rule of Order:
        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.

Symptom:                Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
                        unusually pale and clear.
Problem:                Glass empty.
Action Required:        Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:                Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
                        and the front of your shirt is wet.
Fault:                  Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
                        wrong part of face.
Action Required:        Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
                        Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

                -- Bar Troubleshooting

Symptom:                Everything has gone dark.
Fault:                  The Bar is closing.
Action Required:        Panic.

Symptom:                You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
                        You cannot see the bathroom light.
Fault:                  You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action Required:        Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not,
                        treat yourself to a lie-in.

                -- Bar Troubleshooting

Symptom:                Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
Fault:                  Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action Required:        Turn glass other way up so that open end points
                        toward ceiling.

Symptom:                Feet warm and wet.
Fault:                  Improper bladder control.
Action Required:        Go stand next to nearest dog.  After a while complain
                        to the owner about its lack of house training and
                        demand a beer as compensation.

                -- Bar Troubleshooting

Symptom:                Floor blurred.
Fault:                  You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action Required:        Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:                Floor moving.
Fault:                  You are being carried out.
Action Required:        Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,
                        complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

                -- Bar Troubleshooting

Symptom:                Floor swaying.
Fault:                  Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
                        game in progress.
Action Required:        Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom:                Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
                        and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
Fault:                  You have fallen forward.
Action Required:        See above.

Symptom:                Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
                        flourescent light strips.
Fault:                  You have fallen over backward.
Action Required:        If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
                        drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help
                        you get up, lash yourself to bar.

                -- Bar Troubleshooting

Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982

System checkpoint complete.

System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.

System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.