Freebsd Fortunes 6

'Twas midnight on the ocean,            Her children all were orphans,
Not a streetcar was in sight,           Except one a tiny tot,
So I stepped into a cigar store         Who had a home across the way
To ask them for a light.                Above a vacant lot.

The man behind the counter              As I gazed through the oaken door
Was a woman, old and gray,              A whale went drifting by,
Who used to peddle doughnuts            Its six legs hanging in the air,
On the road to Mandalay.                So I kissed her goodbye.

She said "Good morning, stranger",      This story has a morale
Her eyes were dry with tears,           As you can plainly see,
As she put her head between her feet    Don't mix your gin with whiskey
And stood that way for years.           On the deep and dark blue sea.
                -- Midnight On The Ocean

'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
A satellite spotted him making his way.
The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
Was ready for action, and started to fire!
The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
If the crazy contraption would work very well.
So after a trillion or two had been spent
The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.

Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
                -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"

Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
in heavy weather for several days.  I was serving on the lead battleship and
was on watch on the bridge as night fell.  The visibility was poor with patchy
fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
        Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
        "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
        Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
collision course with that ship.
        The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
        Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
        In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
degrees!"
        "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
course 20 degrees."
        By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
battleship, change course 20 degrees."
        Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
        We changed course.
                -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
                -- Howard Kandel

Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.

Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house.  The
penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?"  The
owner then runs off to the sauna.  When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
away.  So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
the zoo, I did."  And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
the movies!"

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
        "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
knows when to stop."

Two heads are better than one.
                -- John Heywood

Two heads are more numerous than one.