Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of January, 2012

A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit...
A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's...

Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life...
Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There...

I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that...
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it irresistible. -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"

Love is sentimental measles.
Love is sentimental measles.

Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it...
Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. -- Heisenberg

The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.

You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.

You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.

Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.

A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine...
A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The fuckin' thing broke And beat both his balls to a creame.