Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of February, 2012

You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.

Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make...
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.

A good reputation is more valuable than money...
A good reputation is more valuable than money. -- Publilius Syrus

Five rules for eternal misery: 1) Always try to exhort...
Five rules for eternal misery: 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 3) Then treat...

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because...
I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards me. I picked them up and rolled...

Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" Bewailed a young...
"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. "Since dating Miss Baugh, My whole tongue has been raw-- It must have been something I ate."

A nudist resort at Benares Took a midget in all unawares...
A nudist resort at Benares Took a midget in all unawares. But he made members weep For he just couldn't keep His nose out of private affairs.

It had snowed, and the man in the drift, Flagged her down...
It had snowed, and the man in the drift, Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" They sat in her Bentley, She fondled him gently, And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!

The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep her in close...
The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. -- Morris Bishop