Freebsd Fortunes 5

My ritual differs slightly.  What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
hop into the shower stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
of while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift.  Then I hop
right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
                -- Dave Barry

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
reason to limit myself.
                -- Emo Philips

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.

My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
I do not like me anymore,
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
I ponder on the narrow house
I shudder at the thought of men
I'm due to fall in love again.
                -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
                -- Christopher Morley

My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
                -- George Gobel

My way of joking is to tell the truth.
That's the funniest joke in the world.
                -- Muhammad Ali

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
                -- Booth Tarkington

mythology, n:
        The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
        early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
        from the true accounts which it invents later.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"