Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of July, 2017

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

A physical fellow named Fisk Could screw at a rate very brisk...
A physical fellow named Fisk Could screw at a rate very brisk. So fast was his action The Fitzgerald contraction Would shrink up his rod to a disk.

There was a young man of Devizes Whose balls were of different...
There was a young man of Devizes Whose balls were of different sizes. His tool when at ease, Hung down to his knees, Oh, what must it be when it rises!

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"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger...
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a quavering voice. "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will...

"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even...
"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives"

Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will...
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))

A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted...
A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. -- LeSage

A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused...
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860

For courage mounteth with occasion. -- William...
For courage mounteth with occasion. -- William Shakespeare, "King John"