Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of February, 2017

There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing...
There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier...
There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when...
There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue...
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson

"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a...
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"

"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape...
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."

"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left...
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."

"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation...
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- H. H. Munroe