|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1561 of 2182|
First rule of public speaking.
First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
then tell 'em;
then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1562 of 2182|
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
another phone booth.
There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
released it, too, in the scrub.
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1563 of 2182|
"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
trees to prove their manhood.
-- Dave Barry
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1564 of 2182|
A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
promoted managers are kept for observation.
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1565 of 2182|
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
-- Jimmy Cannon
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1566 of 2182|
Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
-- Adolfo Guzman
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1567 of 2182|
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-- Robert Firth
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1568 of 2182|
Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
Yes, I'm goin' insane,
And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
Yes, and goin' insane,
You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
-- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1569 of 2182|
Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
Irish Political History".
|Freebsd Fortunes 3: 1570 of 2182|
Five rules for eternal misery:
1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
how much better things might have been or how much worse
things might become).
5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
follow the first four rules.