Freebsd Fortunes 3

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #14

Low Blows:
        Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That must
hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:
        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals.  Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men laugh about "the bachelor
party".

David Letterman:
        Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #16

Relationships:
        First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
basis".
        When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then
she will get on with her life.
        A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's
always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.  There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
these classes rarely prove effective.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #17

Shoes:
         The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
boots, and slippers.  The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
of her closet.  Most of them hurt her feet.

Making friends:
         A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
        A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
together, and say nothing.  After years of interacting with this other man,
sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
jerk, I guess you're OK."

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #2

Desserts:
        A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.  A man will start by
grabbing the cherry in the center.

Car repair:
        The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem
himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
fixed without special tools".
        The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the
car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
the average man.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #4

Weddings:
        When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Clothes:
        Men don't discard clothes.  The average man still has the gym shirt
he wore in high school.  He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
the time it develops holes in the elbows.  A man will let new shirts sit on
the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
        Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #5

Trust:
        The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
around behind her back.  This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair.  She'll tell all her
OTHER friends, however.  The average man won't say anything if he knows that
one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
of his friends.  He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.

Driving:

        A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car.  The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
Right Stuff on the morning commute.  Does he or doesn't he?  Only his body
shop knows for sure.  Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
price their policies accordingly.
        A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
her makeup.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #6

Bathrooms:
        A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
        A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #8

Going Out:
        When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...

Cats:
        Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  Men are vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:        #9

Laundry:
        Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the laundromat.  This is a myth.

Nicknames:
        If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Socks:
        Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10

CARTABLANCA:
        Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
        only Mexican beer.  Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
        trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
        wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
        fit to be sold.  Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
        which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.