Freebsd Fortunes 3

FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1

In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.

FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
        Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.

FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
        A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.

FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8

        Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3

August 27, 1949:
        A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
        Women's Air Corp.  It was a WAC's Museum.

FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
What to do...
    if reality disappears?
        Hope this one doesn't happen to you.  There isn't much that you
        can do about it.  It will probably be quite unpleasant.

    if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
    traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
        Play this one by the book.  Ask about the stock market and cash in.
        Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
        younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.  If you
        expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
        behind time travel, and possibly schematics.  Never, NEVER, ask
        when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.

FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
What to do...
    if you get a phone call from Mars:
        Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly.  Limit
        your vocabulary to simple words.  Try to determine if you are
        speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.

    if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
        Hang up.  There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
        If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
        or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
        calling.

    if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
        Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
        he, she or it is not "life as we know it".  Try to terminate the
        conversation as soon as possible.  It will not profit you, and the
        charges may have been reversed.

FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
What to do...
    if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
        First of all, do not run after your camera.  You will not have any
        film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
        you anyway.  Be polite.  Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
        they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
        Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
        wanted to land, anyway.  A good road map should help.

    if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
    closet contains an alternate dimension?
        Don't walk in.  You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
        and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun.  Remain calm
        and go back to bed.  Close the door first, so that the cat does not
        wander off.  Check your closet in the morning.  If it still contains
        an alternate dimension, nail it shut.

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:

WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS:                        YOU WRITE:

Probably the greatest quality of the poetry     John Milton -- born 1608
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
combination of beauty and power.  Few have
excelled him in the use of the English language,
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
single poem ever written."

Current historians have come to                 Most of the problems that now
doubt the complete advantageousness             face the United States are
of some of Roosevelt's policies...              directly traceable to the
                                                bungling and greed of President
                                                Roosevelt.

... it is possible that we simply do            Professor Mitchell is a
not understand the Russian viewpoint...         communist.

Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an impassioned
House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
          having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
Dingell: "They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter is
          that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
          amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
          fertilization."
Hoffman: "Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
          teenagers who read The Congressional Record."