Humor: Worst of Fortunes for Tuesday December 11, 2007

Old age is the harbor of all ills. -- Bion
Old age is the harbor of all ills. -- Bion

By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing and...
By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing and he vows his passion is infinite, undying -- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"

Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. -- Ogden...
Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, and sex won't rot your teeth.

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's...
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash

Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! Catholic girls start...
Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! Catholic girls start much too late, Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, I might as well be the one. Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, Built you a temple and locked you away, Ah, but they...

Even a man who is pure at heart, And says his prayers...
Even a man who is pure at heart, And says his prayers at night Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, And the moon is full and bright. -- The Wolf Man, 1941

Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields Sold in a market...
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields Sold in a market down in New Orleans Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright Hear him whip the women, just around midnight Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? Ah, brown sugar just like a young...

I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.

Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show...
Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. -- Leo Durocher

The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity...
The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to them were fishermen. -- Arthur Binstead

When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with...
When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who comes to town, smells...

Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing...
Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. -- Vince Lombardi

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well,...
"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" -- Calvin and Hobbs

A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce...
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery...
A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations,...
Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. -- The Mahabharata

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning...
Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams?

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving...
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind. -- Erma Bombeck

Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying...
Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.

Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at...
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.