Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of April, 2016

There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in...
There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. His daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket. The pair of them went to Manhasset, (Nan and the man with the asset.)...

MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink...
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink and derive. Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving

There was a young girl of Cah'lina, Had a very capricious...
There was a young girl of Cah'lina, Had a very capricious vagina: To the shock of the fucker "Twould suddenly pucker, And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."

There was a young man of Cape Horn Who wished he had never been...
There was a young man of Cape Horn Who wished he had never been born, And he wouldn't have been If his father had seen That the end of the rubber was torn.

While Titian was mixing rose madder, His model reclined on...
While Titian was mixing rose madder, His model reclined on a ladder. Her position to Titian Suggested coition, So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, Cross-eyed mosquitos...
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, I come before you to stand behind you To tell you of something I know nothing about. Next Thursday (which is good Friday), There will be a convention held in the Women's...

"I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said ...
"I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean `a...

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar...
Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed

Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself...
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.