Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of September, 2013

There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long...
There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."

"Thirty days hath Septober, April, June, and...
"Thirty days hath Septober, April, June, and no wonder. all the rest have peanut butter except my father who wears red suspenders."

Ladles and Jellyspoons! I come before you to stand behind...
Ladles and Jellyspoons! I come before you to stand behind you, To tell you something I know nothing about. Since next Thursday will be Good Friday, There will be a fathers' meeting, for mothers only. Wear your best clothes, if you don't have any,...

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."

Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs...
Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as...
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have...
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.

we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,...
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, we will cry over things we used to laugh & our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & in the end a summer with wild...

A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle...
A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? -- Tom Galloway