Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of July, 2013

There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing...
There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

Ladles and Jellyspoons! I come before you to stand behind...
Ladles and Jellyspoons! I come before you to stand behind you, To tell you something I know nothing about. Since next Thursday will be Good Friday, There will be a fathers' meeting, for mothers only. Wear your best clothes, if you don't have any,...

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most...
She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.

You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from...
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because...
I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards me. I picked them up and rolled...

I've already told you more than I know.
I've already told you more than I know.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again...
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -- W.E. Hickson

Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to...
Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more important than something else. If what already is, is more important than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what isn't, is more important than what is. Let...