Freebsd Fortunes

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish.  You would sue:

* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
  in there".

* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
  cretin like yourself.

* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
  a large cash settlement anyway.
                -- Dave Barry

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
dollars:  For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
tax return around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to
spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe
money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit.  What does he care?
It's not his money.
                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)

Dear Sir,

I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.

Yours faithfully,
        Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
        Sevenoaks

Lewis's Law of Travel:
        The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.

Liar, n.:
        A lawyer with a roving commission.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
                -- Harry Emerson Fosdick

LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
        Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
        desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
        polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
        You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
        reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
        Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
        Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
        disease.

Lie, n.:
        A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.

Lieberman's Law:
        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.