Freebsd Fortunes

                OUTCONERR
Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
        Did logzerneg the ifthen block
All kludgy were the function flows
        And subroutines adhoc.

Beware the runtime-bug my friend
        squrooneg, the false goto
Beware the infiniteloop
        And shun the inprectoo.

                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
                  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
    ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.

                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
     bomb; use the stairs.
(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
     the ground.
(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
     psychological problems.
(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
     staggering illegally.
(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
     sanitary due to limited circulation.
(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
     D-Day.

                The STAR WARS Song
        Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
        S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
        Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

                The Three Major Kind of Tools

* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
  jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
  manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,
  bludgeons, and truncheons.)

* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)

* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
  greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
  (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
  any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

                (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
Scratch the disks, dump the core,       Shut it down, pull the plug
Roll the tapes across the floor,        Give the core an extra tug
And the system is going to crash.       And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits.              Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Give the scopes some nasty hits         Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash.       And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found                    Just flip one switch
When you turn the power down,           And the lights will cease to twitch
You turn the disk readers into trash.   And the tape drives will crumble
                                                in a flash.
Oh, it's so much fun,                   When the CPU
Now the CPU won't run                   Can print nothing out but "foo,"
And the system is going to crash.       The system is going to crash.

                'Twas the Night before Crisis

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
        Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
        Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
        While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
        I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
        But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
        And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
        On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
        From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
        Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...

                William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.

         A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
                          by Mark Twain

        For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
        Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
        Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

    *** System shutdown message from root ***

System going down in 60 seconds