Freebsd Fortunes

When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
guarantee them.

"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving."
                -- Steven Wright

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
                -- Clarence Darrow

When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
and get you."
                -- Jerry Lewis

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
                -- Steven Wright

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
                -- Woody Allen

When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
six-year-old.  "It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things
together which not one of you would think of doing alone."  ...
Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military
establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
                -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
                -- Mark Twain