Freebsd Fortunes

I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
                -- Jordan K. Hubbard

I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
... HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think
we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was
driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
conversation ...
                -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.
                -- Woody Allen

I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.

"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
body.  Then I realized who was telling me this."
                -- Emo Phillips

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
                -- Steven Wright

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
animals.  I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
                -- Brendan Behan