Freebsd Fortunes

                Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:

(1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
(3) I don't know.
(4) Who cares?
(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
    Papyrus Books).

                DETERIORATA

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

        You are a fluke of the universe ...
        You have no right to be here.
        Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
        Is laughing behind your back.
                -- National Lampoon

                Double Bucky
        (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")

Double bucky, you're the one!
You make my keyboard lots of fun
        Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
(Vo-vo-de-o!)
Control and Meta side by side,
Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
        Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!

Double bucky, left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
        Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
        Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
        Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!

                -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.

                Gimmie That Old Time Religion
We will follow Zarathustra,             We will worship like the Druids,
Zarathustra like we use to,             Dancing naked in the woods,
I'm a Zarathustra booster,              Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And he's good enough for me!            And it's good enough for me!
        (chorus)                                (chorus)

In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!
        (chorus)

CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
        Give me that old time religion,
        Give me that old time religion,
        'Cause it's good enough for me!

                MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while
the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player
said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a
fight and the match was called by officials.

                OUTCONERR
Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
        Did logzerneg the ifthen block
All kludgy were the function flows
        And subroutines adhoc.

Beware the runtime-bug my friend
        squrooneg, the false goto
Beware the infiniteloop
        And shun the inprectoo.

                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
                  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
    ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.

                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
     bomb; use the stairs.
(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
     the ground.
(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
     psychological problems.
(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
     staggering illegally.
(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
     sanitary due to limited circulation.
(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
     D-Day.

                The STAR WARS Song
        Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
        S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
        Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

                The Three Major Kind of Tools

* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
  jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
  manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,
  bludgeons, and truncheons.)

* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)

* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
  greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
  (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
  any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"