Freebsd Fortunes

Dear Miss Manners:
        Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
your face.

Gentle Reader:
        Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
your face ...

Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
of this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
says: "Part of this complete breakfast".  Don't that really mean,
"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
dead bat?

Answer: Yes.
                -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
ANY ITEM'S.  Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
                -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
                -- R. Geis

Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.

"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down

Death is only a state of mind.

Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.

Death to all fanatics!