Freebsd Fortunes

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
parties.

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The
language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A
spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
ours."

The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have
almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
exist.

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.

Here is a sample program:
        LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
        IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
           VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
                FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
                        DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
                        BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
                SURE
        LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
        REALLY
        LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
        IM*SURE
        GOTO THE MALL

When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:

        GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
case.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
message:
        "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can
        you find the time to try it again?"

        The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the
klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."

        "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"

        "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"

        The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the
Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
it.  The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
apparatus for a spectator sport.

        The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
castrating pigs during Sunday service.
                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

        The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.

        "Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."

        "How?" demanded Fafhrd.

        Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
                -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"